The AA Drunk-a-Logue from Bill W. that We Needed to Hear

In Alcoholics Anonymous, members share their "drunk-a-logue", which follows the following format: what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. In reality, members divulge their self-aggrandized self-loathing selves in "shares" which range from five to twenty minutes , depending on the undisciplined nature of the group and cowardice of the meeting's leader.

Based on the truth from God's Word and independent research, I have since learned that Alcoholics Anonymous is a C-U-L-T. The more I know the truth, that I am a child of God, unconditionally loved regardless of how I feel, the more that I know the "Lie and the lies" of AA.

Just for fun, I began wondering what it would be like if Bill W., the "Floundering Founder", had been "rigorously honest" in his own drunk-a-logue (please, try to stifle your laughter).

This little parody is for everyone who ran from AA, and not only lived, but laughed to tell about it:

My name is Bill Wilson. I am using my last name because I want everyone to know that I never practiced what I preached, including anonymity. I am a narcissistic, self-righteous puritanical busybody who wants to make himself the center of your life. And You - that's right, You! -- are all alcoholics.

Hi, Bill!    

I have never really been a member, because I have never really been sober. Even after I started AA, I dabbled in LSD, I cheated on my wife many times (some would call that "sexual addiction") and I never quit smoking. (Where's my whiskey?!) 

What was it like?

Honestly, I concocted that crock of a "religious" experience in the "Big Book". I was really battered into submission by a bunch of crazy "Oxford Group" religious fanatics, and I was so "thrilled" with the experience, that I just had to "share" it with all of you. I saw a chance to be awesome, to be better than other people, to be "Jesus Christ" for all of you sick people who need a savior. Since misery loves company, I found some reprobate doctor named  Robert Smith, and roped him into my big scheme.

What happened?

Really, nothing happened. I am still a depressed, repressed, suppressed pressure-cooker of self-righteous indignation, and I need people to know and love me, so I decided to dedicate my life to creating this "fellowship", where I can be surrounded by people who are duped into styling themselves as self-loathing losers. That way, I feel better about myself.

To make sure that you remain losers, I commit you to identifying with their your failing. Every one of you must confess that you are an "alcoholic", and that you will never be anything other than that.

You do not share your name, since I want to remove any sense of self-respect in your life. You are an alcoholic, because that is what I say that you are. Like another well-known cult leader taught me, "Repeat a lie often enough. . ."

To make sure that you never shake that sense of shame, you always identify yourself as an alcoholic. You take a "painstaking" inventory of all your shortcomings, and confess it to someone who will probably use it against you later on, no doubt. Of course, the criteria for this "fearless moral inventory" is never articulated for you, so you walk around forever wondering and wandering whether you have done a thorough "house cleaning". That sense of guilt will never go away, and so you will keep coming back because if it's not working, it must be your fault! See how my sick scheme works?

What it's like now?

Well, you're all here listening to me vent, aren't you? I would say, "I like it very much". No one ever gets sober in an AA meeting. People get sober because they stop trying to fix themselves and let go of their "self-preoccupation". In the meetings, I want you forever fixated on yourself, so that you will never get better.

No one is really sober in AA, anyway, with all the cigarettes, cookies, cakes, and  coffee in full and running supply. All of those old-timers, like me, love our coffee, and we love to smoke cigarettes! Even though I can't breathe on my own any more *cough* *hack* *spew*, I still smoke. When I have to choose between my oxygen tank and another drag on a cigarette, I puff away.

The government makes most of you come, too, since that's the easiest way to keep the numbers up. The government likes making people dependent, as do I. 95% of you who enter the meetings never stay, and so many of you keep killing yourselves! I will never get my ego-fix if none of you show up on a regular basis!

My name is Bill Wilson, and I am a narcissistic, self-righteous puritanical busybody who wants to make himself the center of your life. And You - that's right, You! -- are all alcoholics.

So ends the "Drunk-a-logue" that we needed to hear from Bill "the swill" W.

Thanks for letting me share!