Commander Saves Neighbor From Jail, or Worse!

Neighborhood Watch Commander Saves Neighbor from Lengthy Jail Term, or Worse!!

by Liz Lerner

Tootsie Glickman is known to roam the house at night and often lose her dentures which Mr. Glickman usually finds in the morning on a lamp shade or inside the toilet paper roll. If I ever visit their house, I never use the bathroom! Last night there was a big commotion across the street at their house, and Mayor Swine, pig that he is, called me at 2:00 AM to investigate.

As I approached the Glickman house, I noticed the SPCA van in front of Ethyl Auschwitz's house, the rather stern-faced lady who lives next to the Glickmans, and Tootsie was being led off, handcuffed and shackled, by two very large ladies in khaki uniforms, swinging batons and yelling at Tootsie to close her "damn ugly mouth."

I ran to the curb and showed the "enforcers" my Watch Commander credentials and demanded a private meeting with Tootsie. In an effort to calm the large ladies, I grabbed Tootsie's chin and tried to force her to zip her lip. But, Tootsie really could not close her mouth, her tongue was hanging out to the side, strange canine incisors were protruding over her lips, and I couldn't understand a word she tried to say. God, she really was one damn ugly bitch.

But, as Watch Commander, I am here to serve one and all, no discrimination against the old, ugly, racist or perverted, so I'll help Tootsie all I can. Didn't I help Ron Jeremy when the Hoarder's animals got loose and attacked his massive male member during the Easter-Passover race when he freaked out and ran naked through the park? Of course, I did. Did he ever thank me? NO! Did the Hoarders forgive me? NO! Did the Mayor appoint me to another term? YES! But,I digress.

Mr. Glickman finally showed up and asked me to officially represent Tootsie so she wasn't hauled off to jail again. What else could I do? I am a people person.

Mr. Glickman explained that Tootsie was wandering the house last night and had lost her dentures again so he put her in her doggie crate next to Buffy Bow Wow's crate in the basement. He says it's very cozy and she really likes being swaddled. Anyhow, after he went back to bed, somehow she got out and took a wrench to poor Buffy Bow Wow's head, extracted her uppers, and super-glued Buffy's canine incisors into her own mouth. It's rumored she studied acting at the Neighborhood Playhouse with Miesner, so "living" the part could easily explain her behavior if we ever get to court.

After she glued in her teeth, Tootsie ran outside, and wouldn't you know it, it was just the night that Ethyl Auschwitz was up late and saw Tootsie squatting on the front porch taking a poop and chewing on a dog bone. Naturally, Ethyl called the SPCA.

I explained the sad circumstances to the SPCA ladies and pleaded for mercy due to Tootsie's age, lack of sleep, obvious dental condition, and theatrical training.

They said, "Absolutely, no way." This was a serious crime and Tootsie would have to be booked and possibly bathed for fleas.

We all piled into Mr. Glickman's 1956 Cadillac and followed the SPCA van and Tootsie down to the main office. After several hours of interrogation, Tootsie was finally released thanks to my quick thinking. The SPCA officer in charge said, since I brought all the correct documents with me, Tootsie could go home because I proved she had all her shots up-to-date, including flu, HINI and Parvo.

 I promised Mr. Glickman would buy a bigger crate with a new lock for the future. In truth, the officer in charge was slightly enamored with Tootsie and her deft dental work as he had been a Dentist before losing his license for placing used molars into unsuspectlng toothless patients and double billing Smile Saver and Medicare.

We happily left the SPCA and headed for home to finally relax and enjoy some hot chocolate before we put Tootsie to bed again and cleaned up the mess from Buffy.

Everyone was happy except Ethyl Auschwitz who wanted Tootsie to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Someone said Ethyl wanted Tootsie to be "put-down" or labeled "will bite, not adoptable" and left in a cage. Mr. Glickman thought he heard the words, "gas is OK with me." But, we paid it no mind as that's just the Auschwitz mentality.

Anyway, thanks to my years of experience in the field under pressure, I saved Tootsie Glickman that night from God knows what. But, if I ever see her on my porch with a bone in her mouth, all bets are off!!!