Texas Mom Glues Daughter’s Hands to Wall

A satirical look at current events!

Texas Mom Glues Daughter’s Hands to Wall:  A Texas woman could face life in prison after admitting to beating her 2-year-old daughter and then gluing her hands to a wall.  The mother claimed she was just trying to get her to stick close to the house.

Mexico Drug Cartels Flood US With Cheap Meth:  Mexican drug cartels are quietly filling the void in the nation's drug market created by the long effort to crack down on American-made methamphetamine, flooding U.S. cities with exceptionally cheap, extraordinarily potent meth from factory-like "superlabs."  And in a strong show of patriotism, US drug dealers are urging meth addicts to “buy American.”

Costa Rica Bans Shark Finning:  Costa Rica President Laura Chinchilla signed an executive order banning “shark finning” in the Central American nation's coastal waters, closing loopholes in an existing law passed in 2001.  In return, the sharks promise to eat less surfers.

Effect of Household Chores:  A new study in Norway says divorce rates are far higher when men help with the housework and much lower when women do all the chores.  So next time your wife tells you to take out the trash, ask her if that’s her way of asking for a divorce. 


Another Air Traffic Controller Suspended: In the seventh incident reported to the FAA this year, an air traffic controller in Miami has been suspended for sleeping on the job. The FAA now admits their program of giving preferential hiring to narcoleptics may have been a colossal failure.

Quarters Stolen:  A Lima, Ohio woman has been arrested for stealing two rolls of quarters from a convenience store which she claimed she needed to do her laundry.  Police arrested the woman on suspicion of money laundering.

New Hypodermic Needle:  Japanese researchers say they've developed a motorized hypodermic needle that hurts much less than a conventional syringe, that is patterned after mosquito's mouth parts.  Scientists say you don’t push on syringe’s plunger, you just swat at it.

Florida Gov. Gives Out Phone Sex Number:  During a recent cabinet meeting, Florida Gov. Rick Scott relayed what he thought was a toll-free number for the state’s meningitis hotline, but instead gave out the number to a phone sex operator.  I tried phone sex once, but sadly that found I was at a loss for words.


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jason October 18, 2012 at 05:16 AM
Who are you? Making "fun" of a mother who has glued her childs hands to the wall-you think that is humor? And you dont even know when to use "less" and "fewer" that's about 4th grade English. Please do us a favor and quit writing on Patch. You are not funny. Jason


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